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Thursday, September 06, 2007

Spring. A Time For Springs.

A mate of mine, who shall remain nameless for the sake of propriety (which, as you know, is always a concern of mine), has recently found herself a new paramour.
As couples do when first acquainted in the Biblical sense, they've been taking advantage of most available opportunities to make the beast with two backs, the beast with two fronts, the beast with two sides, and the beast who, fifteen minutes later, is ready to go again.

Unfortunately, their furniture is not made of the same flexible, lithe, youthful stuff that they seem to be.

In the last five days, the following three notes have been discovered wedged into my mate's letterbox.

I like that the "neighb", even though obviously quite adamant about their clearly-made point, takes the time to offer some support, understanding, and relationship advice. And of course, under any circumstances, it's nice to be called "dear".


9 comments:

non-Blondie said...

Pure gold. I wish I'd written that to my noisy neighbours, but I was too busy watching the ceiling for any signs of an imminent cave-in.
I think you've written the best description of new relationship sex ever!

killerrabbit said...

Oh dear - a red pen writing neighb. A sign of a serial killer if you ask me. GET RID OF THE BED before the neighb gets rid of the newly happy couple.

scarlet woman said...

I, just quietly, hate my neighbs.

Bad Man said...

I like the complete misreading of Viagra, to be honest. Sounds like the neighb is not someone who loves you long time.

redcap said...

Ma ha ah ha ha ha. That's fucking hilarious! Ha ha ha... sorry can't string words together... laughing too hard...

londongirl said...

Brilliant. You couldn't make it up could you?

PetStarr said...

OH MY GOD. I would move. That person is clearly a freak. Who does that???

Rach said...

hahaha

that needs to go to passive agressive notes

www.passiveagressivenotes.com

Jeremy Pinebox said...

Sounds like a bloody Chinesey we have in our building. He lives in the flat next over and he knocks all hours to tell us we're listening to the tel or to music too loudly, or the smells of our cooking are keeping him awake, or in one instance, the cook smells were making him "too hungry!" and we should knock it off. We've come home to find notes complaining about the noise we were supposedly making while we were out. He shouts at us, and if we say nothing he gets a constipated look on his face, crooks his neck and makes a noise like "Gnnnnhhh!" and scurries off to phone the landlord.

The landlord, for his part, apologized to us and promises to evict the little wanker, but to date this has not happened. Ironically, my fiancee and I hear him masturbating loudly through the wall of the room we use for our office. I'd like to move, but it's a topper or a place so we're waiting him out.