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Thursday, June 08, 2006

America's Next Top Model Series Six #10

A bit of a signature walk down memory lane this week, as we’re treated not to a new episode (Lord knows, it’s been 167 hours since the last one), but to a recap episode of some of the choicest moments (and a few unseen titbits, although not literally – this is sort of a family show) from the last nine weeks. And Jade being a twat.
Let’s do it then – the My Modules Are Repeating On Me episode.

· Goodness, but don’t our modules look different in episode one! Furonda has short hair but the same amount of acne and a virtually transparent body, Joanie still has her lycanthropic fang, and Sara has shoulder-length hair. Daniele looks almost exactly the same, save for her old dental four-lane highway now looking more like a country cow-trail, but Jade takes the prize for Most Gob-Smacking Transformation. Imagine an afro. Now double it. Now add some mean and take away just enough brain cells so blinking is still possible, but not much else. And there’s Jade! We’re reminded that even back then, she was still incredulous that she hasn’t been discovered yet as the next undiscovered supermodule. I think if you’re undiscovered, then becoming discovered would only put an end to your undiscovered status, and hence make you discovered. There. I’ve said it so many times it sounds funny.

· Joanie reveals a change-of-undies-strength crush on Spunky Nigel via the usual methods – gazing at a picture of him, and telling the world how hot he is by employing the help of a ventriloquist’s dummy. So much quicker than yanking the petals off a daisy. I suppose if I can’t have him (which hasn’t been established for certain yet – I still have people working on it), then I suppose Joanie can.

· We revisit Furonda’s Rules (instructions for the other modules typed, photocopied and handed out),and Furonda’s Tiara (stupid, pink, and eternally perched on her bony skull), both of which paint her with the Psycho Princess brush. At no point during this recap episode did I get a glimmer of understanding as to why this girl is here. I’ve seen chicken giblets that are more attractive.

· Remember Gina the Crazy Korean? None of us will ever forget the Madagascan Hissing Cockroach Debacle, during which we were treated to screams, minor mouth-vomiting, hand-waggling and general haute couture histrionics, but this week we discover something (albeit posthumously), we didn’t know. She bites. Even Gina can’t explain it, but when she’s fond of someone (like Daniele, whom she wanted to watch in the shower), she likes to pinch and bite them. She demonstrates on a few of her horrified mansion-mates, and I’m surprised that none of them hit her with a frypan.

· Bless the nosebleed heels challenge. Bless the sound of snapping fibulas. Bless the sight of wincing modules with twisted pinkie-toes crawling away from the judging panel. I simply cannot get enough of seeing models, in stupid shoes, in a lot of pain, trying to walk. Praise the lord.

· Oh, Janice. Janice Dickinson. Whether you’re shouting incoherently at strangers, throwing food at modules, hurling abuse at Crazy Koreans, slurping noodles through your pneumatic lips, or babbling like the chemically-enhanced Stepford-prototype you are, I can’t help but like you. You should be further sedated and put behind perspex, but I do so enjoy you.

· Can we please, PLEASE stop with Nnenna and the phonecalls to her boyfriend. What a freakin’ yawn. Furonda, in the only example of her not being a conceited, empty stick-insect, does a fair impersonation of Nnenna being mean to John. Nnenna pwobabwy thinks Fuwonda is being wecalcitwant.

· Hilarious dental hijinx – Daniele gets bored waiting for all the other modules to get their teeth whitened, so she visits Jade in the dentist’s chair, who has been told not to move whilst there’s a laser trained on her gums. Daniele decides to have a play with some of the equipment, and proceeds to vacuum Jade’s head with the spit-sucking doo-hickey. Gold. And no chance of brain damage.

· My favourite, favourite part of this recap episode is the montage of Jade making an absolute abortion of the English language. Honestly, my shower-pubes are smarter than this girl. After spelling “etcetera” as “E-X-C-E-D-E-A-R”, she offers a few more choice examples:
o “A lot of models have long, lengthly hair”
o “I’m a very analystic person”
o “The decipheration between confidence and cut-throat”
o “I can’t describe my tornness”
o “I like my brunetteness”
o “I need a releasement of stress”
o “Thank you for considerating me”
No, Jade. Thank YOU. Thank you for the bestowage of your literation blessingness upontop of us.

Next week – a proper episode, with stuff we haven’t seen before, including a Joanie-Jade barney, and somebody being rushed to the emergency room! Brand new fun. Fight’s begun. 911.

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