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Tuesday, April 18, 2006

America's Next Top Model Series Six #2

The insanity and inanity continue apace...
We start this week with a public speaking challenge, in which the girls are seated before a panel of 'industry professionals' in a mock press conference. In a stroke of genius by the potentially-narky-situaion-loving producers, the thirteen modules are all given one microphone to share. Gina the Crazy Korean (who has added bizarre facial contortions into her already crowded mix of oddities) admits that she's nervous because she can't 'speak well in public'. Or in private, honey. Or at all. The first words from the panel, obviously designed purely for our entertainment, are "I'd like to hear from the girl who feels she is the front-runner". After a minor scramble, Danielle (of the bumpless 'gator skin) makes a grab for the mike, but it soon ends up in the hands of Jade The Arrogant Diva Monster, who offers "I feel that I'm the undiscovered supermodel". When unimpressed noises come from her co-modules, she shouts at them to shut up. Janice Dickinson, a has-been American supermodel now 60% synthetic polymers, advises her that perhaps she could be a touch more polite.

Kathy the Redneck Hick is told she needs to work on her accent (perhaps a little more silver-spoon, a little less inbred, wheat-chewin' drawl), and Nnenna the Nigerian is eloquent and interesting, just as all insanely beautiful, dignified people should be. I love her a little bit. Gina the Crazy Korean is asked how being Asian may influence her modelling. After a confused expression and a couple of psychotic head-rolls, she says "I don't understand the question?". Jade the Arrogant lays into Gina, saying she needs to find out who she is and be strong. "I'm bi-racial myself", she offers. "My father is Indian, and my mother is a really exotic white woman". Yes. That's what white women are famous for. Being exotic. Nnenna wins the challenge because she's my new best friend, and the crappy prize gives her and three friends the chance to pick their beds first in The Model House.

The modules are taken to their new digs, and exercise what has become Standard Mansion Discovery Hysteria. Run girls, run! Scream! And in the case of Furonda, caress that wardrobe! In case any of the models become confused, in huge letters on one wall are the words 'ANTM HOUSE', and each room is themed - a Twiggy room, an Iman room, a Christie Brinkley room (I believe they serve white bread there), and a Janice Dickinson room, which I assume is mostly made of plastic, saline, and b*tchiness. Jade chooses the Janice room, because in her words, "I'm Janice". At 26, she's nearly old enough.

The girls go out to dinner, and before any of the other girls have clinked their champagne glasses, Gina has chugged hers and refilled. She continues, in between bouts of twitching and confusion, to drain glass after glass, and we're treated to our first drunken module, not two episodes in! Stumbling like convulsing spaghetti, she hugs the wall and is helped into a waiting limo.

Back at the house, it's Drunken Bimbo Spa Time! Before long there are floating norks-a-plenty, or as Cathy the Hick says (obviously educated at the Deliverance School of Anatomy), "Oh. I see boobies". $100 is offered to the first girl who dares to do a nude catwalk strut across the courtyard, and Nnenna is up for it until Jade, not wanting to be upstaged at any time, also volunteers. She changes her mind, perhaps due to the crying little girl we just know is trapped within, and brushes it off with "I'm worth more than that. I want a million, kitten". Unless I heard her incorrectly, and she actually wants a million kittens.

Tyra drops in, and screams like a deranged banshee, claiming "Y'all are the dopest 13", and then dances. She really shouldn't.

A Tyra Mail sends the girls off to a salon, where they excitedly expect a makeover, and are promptly told by Jay that they'll be going bald today. President Bush ain't the only one who can deliver shock and awe - over-bleached gay stylists can give it a red hot go, too. The jape's on the modules - they'll just be given skin caps to make them look bald, or, in the case of over a third of the girls, to make them look like mutated spooky beings from another world. Faux jewels are stuck on their faces and necks, and they each pose in a room full of bald, nude manneuqins (another hum-drum scene taken straight from everyday life). Cathy the Hick, who looks truly, truly, disturbing, comments that she looks like a penis with ears, and strangely emphasises her point by licking one of the mannequin's heads. Kari (she of the big lips and the man-voice) looks like a factory seconds blow-up doll, and Furonda, whilst practising her poses in a mirror, claims that she's "gonna rock it, because I'm the frontrunner". The struggle to take her seriously whilst she looks like a used novelty cond*m was almost more than I could bear. Gina has trouble with some strange hand movements whilst Jay tells her to "put a thought in your head", but we're all distracted by the gigantic bullet-hole shaped mole on her collarbone. Jade causes Jay to remark that "It's hard to work with a girl who already thinks she's a model. She's 26. Perhaps if she was going to be one, she would be by now?". We're all thinking it, sweetie.

The next day, a Tyra Mail summons the girls to their first judgement panel. Judges are Tyra, Twiggy, Miss Jay, and Spunky Nigel Barker, who may or may not feature in some naughty dreams in my imminent future. The photos from the shoot are picked apart - Danielle is surprised she looks good, because she was worried about the dents in her head. Jade is accused of being arrogant (kind of like accusing Paris Hilton of being a little bit attracted to publicity), and in her own defence she goes on and on about how humble she is. Spunky Nigel reminds her that "part of being humble is being quiet". Furonda looks like a slightly melted roll-on deodorant, and Wendy resembles a melancholy tapir. Nnenna rocked it like a big rocking thing.

The judges deliberate, and Spunky Nigel, assuring his place in my list of Things To Do, suggests that "If conceited drag queen is ever in, Jade has a career". Rowr. Call me.

The girls are called back in, and with her usual ghetto intensity, Tyra calls out the 'safe' modules one by one. Eventually it comes down to Furonda and Cathy the Hick, and hence begins The Great April Self-Esteem Massacre. There's none of the customary supportive criticism here. Barely able to contain her malice, Tyra tells Furonda "You think you rocked it. You think you're the best. But all the judges think you had the worst photo ever. Cathy - we just don't think you have any potential" Ouch. She says "So who will it be? The girl with the worst photo, or the girl with no potential?". To the distant sound of banjo and whittlin', Cathy the Hick is told to pack her bags and go back to the swamp. Cathy sheds a tear and does a quick squat for the girls as a parting gesture. Bye, honey. Don't steal the cutlery on your way out.

I'm still picking Nnenna and Mollie Sue as the final two, probably with Sara, the other Scarlett Johansson look-alike, in there as well.
Next week - THE MAKEOVER EPISODE, and apparently also the Jade Goes Mental In A Sarong episode. Tears. Shears. Fears.

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