Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Eight THE FINALE

Okay, so let's not even pretend that there's going to be anything resembling quality on this page today. My eyeballs feel like they're sitting on refrigerated, salted saucers, and that fourteenth after-party duck pancake is not sitting well AT ALL. 

HOWEVER. I did take a pen to the live finale with me, and kept a tally of catchphrases to see What. Will Be. Reality Television's Most Overused Catchphrase, with a very surprising result.

While the word 'Amazing' was uttered TWENTY-SIX TIMES during the finale, it still didn't beat the end total that 'Oh My God' managed with 80.

BUT.

Even though 'Oh My God' has been the clear frontrunner for the entire series, it was pipped at the post by late entry, 'Jen's Giggle', which totally sounds like a Melbourne Cup Horse (with just as many teeth). 

Screamin' J. Hawkins giggled so many times that I ran out of ink and had to keep score by stabbing my empty pen directly into my ears.

As for the rest of the evening, let's do it in bullet points, because mummy's very tired from high shoes and champagne and avoiding April's death-stare all night.

• Firstly and most importantly, I looked amazing, thank you for asking. Have you ever seen hair shine like that? Have you ever seen satin work harder at containment? Have you ever seen sparks like that from synthetic fabrics?
• THE BIG HEADPIECES ON THE MODULES, DO YOU MIND. Never have so many disco-frequenting chickens been plucked and super-glued for such a noble purpose. Enchanting.
• Diddles in a brown velvet suit. At least, it looked brown and it looked velvet from where I was sitting. Still. That guy can make anything look like brown velvet.
• When Dawso answered 'What do you think is going through the models' heads?' with "Nothing, they're models", I think we all pretty much wrote her into our wills. I myself am leaving her my collection of tissues I think James Franco might have used.
• I very much enjoyed the performances by Rudi-Soleil-Lee. I mean Rick-Cirque-De-Mental. I... what? I wasn't paying attention, but the kids in the junior mosh-pit sure were. I saw at least three of them reach puberty right in front of me.
• During an ad-break, Shiny Alex Perry tripped over and hurt his leg. Wasn't watching where he was going. Should've gone to Specsavers.
• I'm exceptionally apologetic about the previous bullet point.
• All the girls looked incredible, most of the frocks were spectacular, some of the pre-recorded 'journey' packages were excellent, and one of the girls really, really can't do catwalk. It's like she was carrying a watermelon between her thighs across an ice-rink to a hospital especially for cyclists. Still - beats strangling.
• Maddy Banana Paddy agreed to be my wife, although she's saving her official 'yes' for when she approves the ring. 
• Shanali agreed to stay my new best friend, because really, isn't that the best/only prize there is?
• ANY of the top three could have won, and I reckon they'll all be busy modelling for the foreseeable future, and I was happy with the final two, and unexpectedly surprised but delighted with the winner. Shakespeare knew it all along, though. Didn't you, Bill?

Totes.

So congratulations to all the magnificent scrags, yay to all the people who make the show, and massive, slightly dehydrated tongue pashes to everyone who read my insightful, cutting recaps. You are the wind beneath my... well, my arse. You are all my favourite little bum-farts, and I cherish you.

Yep.

Pretty sure I'm having a stroke.

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