Sit On Myspace And Tell Me That You Love Me #5

Okay, okay, so I received this particular moist and poetic come-on via email, not Myspace, but come on. That title is the best pun I’ve ever used, and I’m clinging onto it like the last midget at a… a midget… capturing… party. Shut up. They have those.


If you need to catch up, you can read about how I’ve been relentlessly pursued by amorous digital suitors of all genders here. I guess they single me out because they heard I have a nipple-shaped birthmark on the top of my head. Extra nipple = value for money. It's simple economics. And sexy.

Except they didn’t single me out. The following email was sent to six people, all with the same first name as me. My new stalker is such. A slut. Here’s what she said, with my comments.

From: Lina


Sent: Friday 25 November 2011 5:10:04 AM


A GOOD OLD COUNRTY BOY THATS GOOD TO THEIR WOMEN

Okay, so you’re after someone good. I’m good. You’re after someone old. I’m… depends on your definition of ‘old’. You want someone ‘counrty’. I guess you’ve misspelled one of two words there, so I might be able to help you. But if you want a boy without apostrophes, you have come to the wrong place, Lina. I am a girl with many, many nipples apostrophes.

Privet!

Privet? That’s a hedge. It’s a hedge. Although in this case I’ll just assume it’s a euphemism for pubic hair dressed up as a greeting, in which case I’ll respond with: Labia to you, my friend!

The greatest tragedy of life is not that the men perish, but that they cease to love.

Yeah, well I’ve got a bit of a policy that after they perish, I kind of leave them alone. There’s a bunch of laws relating to loving on after they’ve died, Lina.

There is an ocean between us, my honey, and I wish that it were not true, for every day when I awake I yearn to be with you.


You should buy your honey from somewhere else. Problem solved.

There are many miles between us, my love, though you are always here in my heart.

I get it. We’re a long way away from each other. Get on Skype and I’ll do you a little dance to take the edge off. They’re all my own moves, too, unless you’ve seen the music video for Michael Jackson’s ‘Bad’.

I feel you and imagine our first meeting under the starts.

Feeling me makes you spell badly? Maybe I should wax or something.

Every night beneath the silver starlight I pray for the day we will never part http://websitenobodyshouldeverclickon.in

That day is totally here! I promise you, we will never part. We will stay exactly as close as we are now forever and ever.

Sweet goodbye


Li N

Bye, darling. Or should I say: Privet!

I just can't understand why I only attract borderline-illiterate lesbians. It's probably my deodorant.

Sit On Myspace And Tell Me That You Love Me #4

(If you need some background to this, the love story of the ages, get it here. If you need anything else, I accept typed, double-spaced submissions or cheese)



After spending several months feeling unloved and abandoned by the questionably-literate digital masses, I’ve finally received another love note, from a wordy vixen named Elenna, via the wonder of electronic mail. The only drawback with electronic mail (apparently now known by kids as ‘e-mail’, though that’s unconfirmed) is that I don’t get to imagine what the letter-writer might have looked like slowly licking the envelope.


Anyway, it looks like Elenna wants to jump my bones (or possibly lick my envelope, but I’d really prefer to keep the euphemisms to a minimum). Elenna also seems to think I’m a man. Either way, I have a few comments about her email. I’ve inserted them below.


HA! Inserted.


Oh, right. Sorry.



Subject: i want to say u hi


Aloha, my dear friend!


Aloha?! If you’re in Hawaii, can you send me one of those coconut bras? I want to try one on and walk into walls.


I am a calm lady who is very friendly.


You’re opening with the calm thing? That makes you sound… not.


I can easily meet people and I really like to understand people.


Do you understand that people don’t say ‘I want to say u hi’?


I do my best to look good and to improve my appearance. I like to dance and to work out in the gym. I love to cook and to read.


Wow. You’re either really busy or you’re unemployed. Are you going to just hang out at home while I support us both? Because I’m really not sure you understand me at all.


I like classic literature and psychology. I am very conversational and I spend a lot of time talking to friends.


Yeah, on the psychology front, do these friends have names? Or even bodies? And are their bodies all in the same shallow grave? It’s always the calm ones.


My man must be strong and sure of himself.


I’m two out of three on that front. I’m sure that’s fine.


Should be hard working and driven to success but know when to leave the office and come home and relax.


So ‘make me some money and then come home and boink me’ is pretty much the lay of the land, right? I’m not judging, I’m just going for clarity here.


Should be financially stable with no drinking, smoking, or gambling problems.


I drink, I get drunk, I fall down. No problem. I don’t have a penis or dig chicks, though. Will that be a problem?


You need to know how to have some good old fun and be a good sport.


Old fun like shuffleboard? Old fun gathering around the wireless for some serialised whimsy? Old fun like rolling pensioners for their Kumfs?


Funny is a plus.


So is grammar and that.


You absolutely must be a romantic and not embarrassed to do something sweet and creative to show me how much you're feeling me.


I don’t embarrass easily, but this might be just the ticket. What, a graph?


I love someone who is not afraid to show affection in public but with good taste.


Boob-grope in Chanel. Gotcha.


Just know who you are, like who you are, and share that with me and we will have a wonderful time together sweetloveandhappiness.com/heartsinlove/

Elenna

 I haven’t clicked on Elenna’s link yet. I’m saving that for bathtime.
.

Sit On Myspace And Tell Me That You Love Me #3

(In case you need them, parts one and two of The Most Romantic Story Ever are here).

It’s happened. My appeal to internet suitors has now crossed the Sapphic line in the sand, and I’ve received my very first online lesbian come-on. I’m sure there’s a badge or a trophy or something like that available for this sort of thing. I might say no to the secret handshake, though – you never know where it’s been.

The moist manuscript below was digitally delivered to my inbox (*cough*) yesterday.

Greeting my dear,
my name is hellen iam a young beautiful girl with full of love and caring also romantic,
well i saw your profile today at(www.themusic.com.au)and i love it,i think we can click together please i will like you to use your email address (hellen_kbaby1@yahoo.com) to contact me directly to my email box at the same time i will show you my photo and you also know more about me. thanks for your understanding please contact me with this email address below
hellen.

Hellen, before we can ‘click together’, I’d like to just clarify a few points:

• It’s no surprise to me to hear that you’re a young beautiful girl. I’ve always assumed that if I was gay I’d have super-hot girlfriends. I did also assume that if I was gay I would have girlfriends who could write emails that don’t sound like they’ve just shaken up a bunch of words in a bag, but then maybe I’m just fussy.

• My ‘profile’ at the site you mention is a tiny paragraph that mentions a promotion I got at work a year and a half ago. I’m glad you love it, but I’m worried that you just like me because you’re assuming I got a pay rise as well, and you ain’t nuttin but a gold digger. We want pre-nup.

• If we get married, may I please take your name? I just think it would be cool to sign off emails with ‘Best regards, Jo KBaby’.

Part of me suspects that this email is the result of a random web-bot’s scouring of the net for email addresses for the purposes of marketing or fleecing, regardless of the recipient’s gender. But that part of me just doesn’t understand ROMANCE.

.

Sit On Myspace And Tell Me That You Love Me #2

Well, well, well. Aren’t I just the social networking temptress? I have been approached by yet another suitor via MySpace. This can’t just be a coincidence. I must be either (a) amazing and completely irresistible, or (b) this is some kind of scam or phishing exercise.

Quite clearly, the answer is (a).

The molten missive reads as follows:

Hey sweetie… love your hair…
Hey hun how are you doing today?Hope all is going on fine with you and your family...really i am new hear and i just thought i should come up ere to look for friends,lovers just to make me happy then i saw your picture and went through your profile and thought i should say hello to you and ask if we could be friends....i really think you are very beautiful and i love evrything about you..can't wait to get along with you soon.......have you got a yahoo id?mine is *****@yahoo.com have a great day sweets.ciaoFrank.

Let me be frank, Frank:

- Your message title, whilst lovely of you, is one of the gayest things I’ve ever read.

- My family’s good, thanks. Shelley’s a bit stressed with the kids, Mike’s birthday is coming up, Mum doesn’t think I should swear quite so much, and Dad might need spinal surgery. Otherwise not much to report. Also, you should probably mind your own fucking* business.

- It seems you’ve just acquired a cochlear implant or similar, so congratulations on the whole ‘new hear’ thing. I SAID CONGRATULATIONS ON THE WHOLE ‘NEW HEAR’ THI- never mind.

- I’m glad you ‘love evrything’ about me, but I’m afraid I haven’t liked a boy who dropped ‘e’s since the mid-nineties, when it was fashionable.

- No, I don’t have a yahoo ID. I have a MySpace page, though. Maybe you can contact me there?

At this rate, I’ll be married by afternoon tea time. To an illiterate loser. You’re invited!


*Sorry, Mum.
.

Sit On MySpace And Tell Me That You Love Me.

Last week, I received the following MySpace message from ‘Billy’:

hello angel
I was Thrilled with the Words written on your Profile and we seem to share much in common, I am looking for a serious relationship.
I have been told that being a blue eyed, Dark black hair is very sexy so if you think so then that is me.
My closest friends describe me as shy at first but very friendly and Straight forward. My main goals in life are to be with the right woman for me ....A woman that shares her feelings (saying I Love You), you get the idea. I am looking for a woman... someone who can share in the fun times and the not so fun times. Someone I can't wait to talk to each day... the first person on my mind each day and the last person I think about before I fall asleep. This person doesn't have to have the exact, same interests as I, but be willing to join in on the adventures. If you are a Woman of integrity, honest, likes to communicate feelings, and knows about being wild at heart.
I am a pretty centered person, happy with myself, but believethere is always room for growth. My friends tell me I am a "go-getter" type of person. I look at the world from a "glass half full" perspective and always try to find the good ineveryone. I am told that I am intelligent, funny and fun to baround. I am looking for a healthy adult relationship. I deserve that.
I am looking for someone who doesn't play games. I am a big believer in telling it like it is, except if it would hurt someone. I am interested in someone who has the time to devote to a relationship or who will at least try to make the time, as I would.Distance doesnt mean much to me because i believe much in feelings and a relationship by God even anywhere it is, i know that if we are meant to be, wewill surely be... Honesty is my ONLY policy. Nothing is worse than finding out that a relationship is based on lies.
I am very interested in taking good care of myself and would like to find someone whobelieves in the same thing.. I am willing to relocate .. I am an independent businessman and am into importation and exportation of electronics, fabrics, aluminiums and antiques.Well You can contact me on My email address is Email Address: bkinggreat at y/a/h/o/o ./c/o/m please mail me there because my subscription will end today.. and will love to know you better... Add me on y/a/h/o////o. Chat IM: bkinggreat .. contact me there . ..Thanks Once
Again and I will be looking forward in hearing from you again and have a nice day ahead of you. Sincerely Yours. Billy

I don’t want to shock anyone, but I actually have a couple of comments.

- I’d like to know what it is he thinks we have in common. It can’t possibly be mad spelling skillz, and I couldn’t be less interested in aluminiums.

- I’ve never seen a blue eyed, dark black hair, but I’m sure they’re sexy as all get-out. They must be the kind of hairs teachers have on the back of their heads.

- If Billy’s friends are telling him that he’s both shy and a go-getter, then Billy’s friends are either idiots or they’re lying to him. Mind you, I visited Billy’s MySpace page, and he only has one friend. Surprising.

- One of Billy’s main goals is to be with a woman who will share not so fun times with him, and he also says he doesn’t play games. One of my main goals is to have fun totally all the time, especially when I’m playing games. Sorry, Billy.

- Billy, are the adventures of which you speak electronics-importation-related adventures? I hope so. They would be awesome.

- Billy says he’s ‘fun to baround’. I don’t know what ‘barounding’ is, but if it’s related at all to ridiculing lonely, borderline-illiterate people, then he’s right. It is fun.

- ‘Mail me there because my subscription will end today’? Billy, you know what I hate more than bad punctuation and not having fun? PEOPLE WHO GIVE ME RELATIONSHIP ULTIMATUMS. I don’t think a go-getter would just let his subscription end like that, Billy.

Aside from all that, Billy sounds like a total fox. He'd better not have also sent this same note to hundreds of other women at random. I hate a relationship based on lies.

.