Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Seven #6

If the eyes are the windows to the soul, then the whole face is like the garage roller-door to the psyche. Either that, or I really need to start buying better fortune cookies.

Sure, it might seem that this episode was all about health, fitness and brand marketing, but really it was all about facial expressions.

Well, not Charlotte Dawson or Shiny Alex Perry’s, obviously.

Welcome, express-o-rinos, to the ‘The First Time Ever I Saw Your Scrag’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. Now turn that frown upside-down (Dawson and Perry, once again, excepted).

******

Finally, after weeks of nicey-nicey, things are getting all bitchy up in here. Know how I know? Because of the presence of the official, scientifically detected, guaranteed SBG, or Sideways Bitch Glance. It’s unmistakable.

It first makes its appearance outrageously early in the episode, as Simone shows her intense sorrow over Alissandra’s departure by saying “I didn’t particularly like Alissandra, because she was always just saying really DUMB stuff”.

That's the pot calling the other thing something. Hahahahahahaha Wheee! Kittens.

One of the reasons Doik dislikes Alissandra is because she took some Milo home with her.

No.

I don’t think you understand.

Milo.

MILO, GODDAMMIT!

TOOK IT HOME.

Oh, the humanity.

Neo tells us that Simone is getting on her nerves. You could almost say she doesn’t like her.

Learnment.

A Sarah-Mail sends the scrags to Bondi in a Fashion Fiesta cavalcade, where they’re met by Charlotte Dawson and Luke Hinze, who I would nickname Skeletor Luke The Rubber-Faced Terror-Tron  if I wasn’t so terrified that he was about to eat my soul. 

This is Luke saying 'good morning'.

This is Luke asking everyone how they are.

This is Luke telling a knock-knock joke.

And this is Luke eating your liver with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

Dawson is given a whistle and a megaphone because the Geneva Conventions don’t extend to televised modelling competitions.

Before being asked to complete incredibly complex and advanced tasks like star-jumps and sit-ups, the modules are required to organise themselves into three rows of four. They fail.

Which is totally fine.

Izzy attempts some star-jumps, but doesn’t manage to co-ordinate her hands, feet, and stupid stupid stupid cartoon hair-bow.

But I play the jug in a band. 

Neo says that exercise is hard. You could almost say she doesn’t like it.

Caroline keeps her feet still and just moves her arms. You could almost say she’s an arsehole. 

Rachel tries to do one sit-up. She fails.

WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW, FEEBLE HUMAN

Eventually and inexplicably, the girls are paired up and told that they’ll be running in a relay to reach some BUCKETS OF MYSTERY.

It's pronounced 'Bucket'.

Simone and Neo are coincidentally teamed up in a coincidence, because (coincidentally) the producers are completely unaware that they hate each other’s guts. Neo doesn’t like it. You could almost say she doesn’t like it.

The relay is run, and Neo, despite her lack of exercise and crappo diet, completely blitzes it. Probably because she’s... oh. Well, because generally speaking... er... history has shown.... um... gold medals.... oh, look, fuck it.

The girls reach the buckets, look inside, and discover rubber gloves, a highlighter, a tea-bag, a water bottle, a kitchen sponge, and five pieces of coal.

Five.

Five pieces of coal.

Caroline runs toward a bucket on a beach to find that it contains five pieces of coal. This is why I want to pash this show on the lips and touch its boobs.

Izzy thinks that maybe they’re going to be cleaning the beach.

'Cause sand is just dirt on holiday.

Challenged.

After using the phrase “I had no idea” eighteen or nineteen times, the scrags rock up to a studio with their, as Doik puts it, ‘spastic items’, where Dawson and marketing guru Rob Belgiovane tell them that they’ll be scripting their own 30-second promo for their items to be filmed and judged. Now, I know that watching unfit skinny-legged teenagers write things on a piece of paper about coal sounds interesting, but I’m momentarily distracted by an empty space where coal used to be.

My new-best-friend Elizabeth is unenthusiastic because it’s “Something to do with talking, and I’m not really good at that”.

Simone is unenthusiastic because she has to work with Neo, because, for those of you in a coma on the moon, they dislike each other a bit.

My reserve-new-best-friend Yolanda isn’t so much enthusiastic as determined.

And possibly mildly constipated.

The real enthusiasm comes when the challenge prize is revealed. Girls on the two winning teams will be allowed to attend a Cartier function wearing Alex Perry gowns and Cartier diamonds. So, kind of working, but not getting paid for it. THAT IS SO FRIGGING EXCITING!

I totes love exploitation for total reals!

Liz looks half-pissed, and Amelia states that her teabag makes her nervous, becauszzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Caroline and Hazel, despite eventually kicking arse, have trouble initially because they’ve never seen an advertisement for coal before, and as Caroline says “What does anyone actually use coal for anymore?”.

OMG you're right! You guys can stop digging now.

Maddy and Rachel do pretty well, Montana and Jess are okay but a bit ch... okay, look. It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter because of two awesome things.

Awesome Thing Number One.

Doik Simone wants to write a rap to spruik her water bottle, and this is what she comes up with:

Welcome to the 21^st century,

Where bottled water is so expensive lately.

While the ghetto gravity of that sinks in, I’ll just take the opportunity to hand this week’s trophy to Doik.

Awesome Thing Number Two.

This.

It’s like Brett Whiteley finding a free source of heroin AND a big new tub of blue paint or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like Justin Bieber tripping over his own stupid shoes and landing in a vat of lava and wild dogs.

It’s awesome.

Phoy-Toy Shoot

The next day, the modules arrive at grand and historic Strickland House, because lord knows you can’t sit around on the grass just anywhere. This week’s shoot is for a tooth, hair and nail supplement from Blackmores, with the winning shot to be included in a national campaign. I wish there was something funny about that. I do.

Josh Nielsen/Brigitte Flinn gees the girls up for their shoot, because my mate Shane has Photoshop and a tiny bit too much time on his hands, and I'm not even close to finished with this gag yet.

You may thank Shane for your next three nightmares.

More importantly, photographer Gabrielle has one of those hats that makes her look like a crazy person with a rifle.

Be veeewy quiet.

When Josh asks her what she wants from the scrags today, she answers “lots of natural energy, and magic’. Yep. Thanks for the totally do-able and specific brief there, crazy rifle lady.

Dressed in business shirts, gum boots and undies, each girl rolls around in the freezing, windy grass trying to look natural and pose but not pose and just do what you’d do walking down the street or at a nightclub and give me more, girl, GIVE ME MORE. Modelling is so hard you guys.

Jess, Hazel and Simone are pretty good. Madeline is asked to find a middle ground between vitamins and Viagara (tomato, tomato), Montana is gob-droppingly amazing, and Neo looks like she’s just come home from a long day’s work at the lame place where they do the lame things.

Caroline is stiff and awkward, but not arseholey, because my world is all topsy turvy and shit. BE AN ARSEHOLE, CAROLINE. GOD. Make things right again.

Yolanda is told not to think, because look up model in the dictionary, that’s why.

Eliminationosity

I love this point, about halfway through the competition, when the remaining modules have already worn all of their best outfits to elimination, so they’re left to scrape the bottom of the outfit barrel. Speaking of which, I’m sorry my library book is overdue Mrs Madeline Teen Librarian, and Izzy, if you’re here, then who’s turning around and around inside my jewellery box?

And oh my god. Guys. Hey, guys. Guess wha – guys. Yo, guys. Rachel didn’t thank anyone for anything this week. What with that and Caroline not being an arsehole, it’s a brave new world, and I don’t like it. I DON'T LIKE IT.

ANYWAY, Saint Sarah greets the girls in the Elimination Barn, having just sprinted in after leading the Nobody Uses Coal Anymore Fun Run. She introduces Charlotte Dawson (dressed today as Sergeant Pepper’s bit on the side), Shiny Alex Perry (dressed today as an ineffectual ninja whose special weapon is squinting) and photographer Gabrielle Revere, who does that American thing where everything sounds like a question? You know?

As photos are shuffled through and deliberated over, the Zingy Zingo-Tron is taken out for a spin, with nuggets like:

“If you are what you eat, then you must’ve been eating baby puppies” – WOOF ZING!

“It looks like you fell asleep in the park, woke up, and somebody was dragging you by the feet” – HAYFEVER GRASS ALLERGY ZING!

“I reckon she’s a Stepford model” –BOOK/FILM REFERENCE ZING!

“This is a modern day tragedy. How tragic that you are upstaged by a lawn” – SHAKESPEAREAN GARDENING ZING THAT WAS ON THE PROMO!

Then Caroline does this:

...which makes me feel bad for calling her an arsehole for six weeks. Magic Psychic Desk says:

Names are called out one by one until just Neo (who doesn’t seem to like it) and Caroline (who used to be an arsehole) remain.

Two swift kicks to the guts pass, and SHOCK DOUBLE ELIMINATION SHOCK! both girls are sent home.

Bye, Neo and Caroline! I’ll miss how you kind of hated everything!

They skip out of the Eliminarium hand in hand.

Arseholes.

******

You know what? I don’t even care if this one-verse-per-episode country song is the longest and most confusing country song ever written. It will all make sense with banjo. EVERYTHING MAKES SENSE WITH BANJO. Verse 6:

  

When yoooou’re

On the beach but you can’t quite reach ‘cause your abs are weak as blubber;

You’ll be trained by Luke ‘til you nearly puke, with his face like scary rubber.

If you market well, then you have to sell whatever crap is in your bucket;

Put your bottle in place across your partner’s face, she’s a bitch so she can suck it.

Then get on your arse on the freezing grass with your teeth, nails, hair all glowing;

Now roll on your back and ignore the fact that your underpants are showing.

Neo’s time is nigh – Caroline? Goodbye! Time to leave your newest besties;

You’ve got a pretty face, but you’ve lost your place ‘cause your attitude sucks testes.

Australia's Next Top Westie Scrag Series Seven #5

There are three things I would step over a burning nun to get to: a perfect dirty martini, a sloppy cheese, Jason Statham’s general pelvic area, the ability to count, and a Top Model makeover episode.

Only two of these should have hair in them, though. That's important.

Finally, desperately, after months of rinsing and repeating, we have a makeover episode. Welcome, aspirants to hirsuiteness, to the ‘I Whip My Scrag Back And Forth’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. Is that water temperature okay?

******

Learnment

On a cold, rainy morning, the “modules” are “relaxing” at “home” when a Sarah Mail about reaching dizzying heights arrives.  A short ride in the Fashion Fiestas later, they’re confronted with Charlotte Dawson’s boobs, which are coming towards them at about three hundred kilometres an hour.

Her torso arrives a minute and a half later.

This week the girls will be learning about trusting the experts and letting go of things by swinging on a trapeze. It is my opinion (not that I’d ever let my opinion sully these totally objective recaps) that a lesson about letting go of things belongs almost everywhere except forty feet up in the air.

Neo is less than enthusiastic about participating. You could almost say she didn’t like it. She says “I thought it would be fun, and it was fun until like, you get up there”. Got it. Right. It’s fun right up until the point that it starts. Good tip.

Dawson asks Izzy what she wants to get rid of.

Say pigtails. FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, SAY PIGTAILS.

Instead, she responds with ‘self doubt’, because I know how shy and unsure those girls with pink hair who scream a lot and like coffins can be sometimes.

Montana says she doesn’t want to be shy anymore, in almost exactly the same voice that Cadet Hooks uses to whisper ‘I wanna be a police officer’ in Police Academy. Shut up. I am NOT showing my age. I’ll prove it – we’ll go up to the video shop and rent it on Beta.

Elizabeth wants to get rid of her lack of confidence and screams “I deserve this!”, obviously referring to her potential membership of the Jo Blogs’ New Bestie Club. She then swings off the platform and screams “Fuck! Holy Shit!”, ensuring a gold-plated lifetime membership card. Once she gets the hang of it, she is grace and co-ordination personified.

This is the club handshake. It needs a little work.

Maddy thinks she’s going to throw up, which shows that she’s ready to be a real model.  Alissandra and Annaliese whizz through the air with surprisingly little drag around the ear or teeth areas. Amelia is as interesting as a blanZZZZZZZZzzzzzz.

Rachel thanks the trapeze, trapeze operator, landing net, Charlotte and some passing motorcyclists, then apologises to them for thanking them, then thanks them for accepting her apology.

Dawson gathers the girls ‘round after the trapeze lesson that I can totally see the point of, and tells them that now that they’ve been transformed internally, they should prepare themselves to be transformed externally. After a few blank looks and one head-explosion close-call, she spells out the word ‘HAIRCUTS’ in cupcakes and everyone loses their goddamn shit.

Yolanda, second in line to the total unicorn-riding bestie throne, informs us that the girls will all be having a ‘long hair party’, which means different things depending on the kind of websites you like.

Turns out it’s a bunch of scrags shaking their heads around to Willow Smith’s “Whip My Hair”.

Neo has a little bit of a problem at the long hair party, because she’s... well, because she doesn’t... born under a tree, you see, and... oh, look. Let’s just do this thing again and move on:

Challenged

Suddenly the modules are whisked off to the Joh-Tox Bailey salon, where all the mirrors are covered over, presumably to stop Doik Simone pecking at the glass. Each girl learns their follicular fate with varying levels of enthusiasm:

Maddy hears that she’ll be getting most of her hair chopped off, and nervously complains that she likes her long hair.

Are you absolutely and totally sure about that.

Joh-Tox decides not to cut Maddy's hair himself, but to let the little retarded work experience girl have a go.

 

Maddy doesn’t seem too upset, as she’s happy to have anyone cut her hair. Except... y’know... Charlotte Dawson. Onlooker Caroline says “I would’ve probably turned around and tried to cut Charlotte’s hair off”, because apparently someone asked you, arsehole.

Rachel’s hair becomes short and dark. Rachel thanks Joh-Tox and apologises to the scissors for inconveniencing them.

Saint Sarah tells Alissandra, who goes shorter and redder, that she doesn’t have to hide behind her hair any more. “Except maybe your ears”, she adds. “Keep those things hidden as much as possible, yeah?”.

Izzy starts with plastic cherries and cream in her hair, so we’re pretty much looking down the barrel of that ol’ anything-would-really-be-an-improvement shotgun.

So Kawaii Tokyo happy fun time or something.

The original plan is to give Izzy a platinum blonde ‘do, but after a number of attempts with paint stripper, a bandsaw, sandpaper and a stern dressing down from my primary school headmistress Miss Davidson, that plan is abandoned and she’s died a kind of patchy red that she refers to as ‘Cherry Cola’. See, she makes it sound good. Which is... which is interesting.

Doik comments that “I’m so excited to still have blonde hair, because I’m just a big blonde, and I’d be weird without it”. Also in logic class today: Gravity, and why it’s so wibbly-wobbly.

Yolanda says that she’s had some problems with her hair styling over the years, inexplicably prompting the show’s editors to immediately put this shot up on the screen:

Yeah, bitch. Yo' weave be wack.

Montana’s hair is lightened at the ends, which in hairdressing circles is referred to as ‘balayage’. Montana tries to pronounce ‘balayage’. Montana fails.

Blooyage? Belloggy? Belushi?

A product is applied to Neo’s scalp, but I can’t... I can’t quite see... the label... oh wait, there it is. Tresemme Salon Professional Exactly The Fucking Same Serum.

Caroline has very little change, and says “I don’t wanna sound up myself or anything, but I do sort of think I suit my hair and didn’t really need any fixing”. You know what? Saying “I don’t wanna sound up myself” in that context is the same as a doctor saying “This won’t hurt a bit” before ramming a gloved finger up your rectum. It is a lie.

I don't wanna sound up myself, but I do a really good impersonation of a doctor.

With her new shorter hair, Hazel says “It’s only hair, and it’ll grow, and we got a free haircut at Joh Bailey”, which is a completely fucked up attitude, and she should be ashamed of herself. Still, everybody seems pretty happy with their new look when they finally see it in the mirror.

Phoy-Toy Shoot

The following day, the modules drag their new heads and subsequent skeletal frames to a photo studio, where they’re met by either Josh Flinn or Brigitte Nielsen, because I STILL CAN’T TELL THOSE WACKY KIDS APART!

And yes, I will be keeping this joke going for the whole series, thanks for asking.

Under the tutelage of fashion director Inez Garcia and lens of Holly Blake, the scrags will be modelling muted, pale clothing against a white wall. Now, I know that pale against pale with pale lighting should be interesting, but I’m momentarily distracted by the chromosomal difference between us and potatoes.

Four of the photos, however, will end up in the Sunday paper, a fact that Jess says will make her grandmother ‘absolutely drop her load’, because I just can’t hear that enough about grandmothers, and now I can’t even look at a prune.

Caroline comments that she’s not feeling very confident, which is like Jeff Koons saying he’s not really sure if his puppy is big enough or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like Kanye West announcing thast perhaps he needs to come out of his shell and be more of a twat. I feel a little bit sorry for her though. Which is VERY, VERY UNCOMFORTABLE FOR ME.


The make-up team is hastily renamed the acne-concealment-squad, and we’re ready to go.

Annaliese lacks confidence, and on top of that, she says “I had my feet in the same position the whole time. I wasn’t allowed to move them’. MODELLING IS SO HARD, YOU GUYS.

Neo ‘finds it difficult to do the simple kind of moves’, because here’s a dictionary, that’s why. You could almost say she didn’t like it. Josh worries that Neo relies too much on her natural beauty. Oh, yeah. Oh, I know how much that can suck. We need to start a charity to get onto that shit and sort it out.

Alissandra, who is a size above the other girls, tells us that she was not given the most flattering outfit.

SHUT UP NO WAY

After her zipper won’t close, Josh decides to do a facial close-up of her. This is going to end up fine. Alissandra will be fine. Nothing bad could possibly come of this.

Elizabeth and Yolanda are predictably gorgeous (next club meeting is on Thursday at three, ladies – bring a plate), Maddy and Doik rock it, I finally get to see what all the fuss about Montana is, and Hazel is draped in Christmas lights.

Caroline has a bit of a cry because she’s stressed about her lack of confidence, which makes me feel like an arsehole for calling her an arsehole. It doesn’t put me off my Twisties or anything, but it’s there.

The only interesting thing about Amelia’s shoot is my surprise at how boring it is.

Rachel, who was raised in a religious family (I think it’s the Church Of Jesus Christ Of Latter Day Gratitude), doesn’t want to get her boobs out and asks that they be taped in. The shoot goes well and she thanks everyone. Thank you. Thanks for testing my faith and nipples. No, thanks. Really. Thanks a lot. Ta.

Jess joined Banarama, and her new single is out in October.

It's called 'Grandma Dropped Her Load'. Do yourself a favour.

Eliminationosity

Lesson learned, challenge accepted, phoy-toys shot, and prizes (which I think this year include fifty sheets of coloured craft paper and a skateboard) droned through, the girls gather at the Eliminarium to see what’s what and who’s not. Er, staying. Yeah. I didn’t think that through.

Saint Sarah, who is wearing a frock that I want for free, only just makes it in time to greet the girls after the inaugural meeting of the People Who Only Have Their Natural Beauty To Rely On Society. She introduces Charlotte Dawson (dressed today as the leader of an all-girl bikie gang that’s just going really fast right now), Shiny Alex Perry (dressed today as the member of the mafia that’s responsible for stealing sunglasses and furniture polish), and Inez Garcia, who’s pregnant I hope.

Photographs are pored over, but I’m distracted, because I’ve FINALLY figured out what that big weird blank rectangular panel on the front of the judges’ desk is.

It’s for screening subliminal messages to the girls. Der.

Izzy’s new haircut is discussed, and Shiny Alex Perry asks if Paris is ready for the ‘Newtown waitress look’.

Alissandra’s close-up is examined, and the judges wonder why there’s no full-length shot. Shiny Alex Perry stresses the importance of fitting into sample sizes.

When asked what she thinks of her phoy-toy, Caroline barks “I actually like it for once”. As an excuse for its shortcomings, however, she offers “It was a little bit hard because Holly was so particular about what we were doing, so it was hard as well having to do everything the way she exactly wanted”. Wow. That DOES sound hard, doing exactly what the person who’ll be paying you to do stuff pays you to do.

Simone is asked what she was thinking during her admittedly gorgeous shot. She answers “I was just listening to the photographer and... just stand and... be normal”.

The judges deliberate and scrags are narrowed down one by one until only I Don’t Like It Neo, Bottle-Opener Annaliese and Alissandra the Expandra are lef... WAAAAIT A SECOND. That’s three people! Which can only mean a SHOCK double elimination! I WISH I HAD SOME NATURAL BEAUTY TO RELY ON SO I COULD COPE WITH THIS.

Anyway, two and a half seconds pass without the customary self-esteem crushing, and Alissandra and Annaliese are out the door.

Bye, Alissandra and Annaliese! I’ll miss your prominent features and almost impossible to spell names!

Doik is happy that Alissandra has gone, and says so freely and gleefully, which is confusing, because I can usually only deal with one arsehole at a time. Except in Right Said Fred. Seriously. Those guys were arseholes.

******

Aaaand with Episode 5 comes verse 5 of the world’s best ever country song about Antipodean televised modelling competitions. It’s a crowded field.

If yoooou’re

Ill at ease with a big trapeze ‘cause you’re shy, or scared, or minging;

You can let it all out with a great big shout, you’ll be learning while you’re swinging.

If your hair looks strange or like matted mange, you need cutting and blow-drying;

You can watch your pink bits go down the sink, now you’re learning while you’re crying.

If her boobs are out, or she’s getting stout, then you’ll need to clip or tape her;

She can be a scrag in the Sunday mag – it’s the one that’s in the paper.

Now we’ll kick two out – oh my god! Far out! ‘Cause elimination’s dawning.

If I can open beers on your teeth or ears, then it’s probably not your morning.


(And finally, in a completely transparent plea for your approval, somebody nominated me for this Pedestrian tweety thingo, and I'm a very, very competitive person when I'm not, y'know, saving puppies from drowning and stuff. If you felt like voting, I'd be the last person to stand in your way...)