Of the following things normally associated with models,
which is the odd thing out?
a) A good old-fashioned arse-flashing;
b) A good old-fashioned tongue-piercing;
c) A good old-fashioned mauling of the English
language; or
d) Cultural sensitivity.
That’s right.
It are d).
Pack your bags, jump on an obscure budget airline, and touch
as many people on the head as possible, it’s the ‘Thai Me Kangaroo Down, Scrag’
episode of Australia’s Next Top Model.
It’s Pratanum Comedy.
Housekeeping.
We now have opening credits, with the scrags’ names and
everything! Now we can put names to faces, unlike that little dangly bit at the
back of your throat, because WHAT is the name of that thing.
Speaking of things:
It’s been a slow week in the quest to find Australia’s Most
Overused Catchphrase, with a lot of the classics scoring zero, just like George
Michael in a driving test, or me counting the number of free frocks Alex Perry
has given me even though I’ve Photoshopped him with actual laser eyes this
year. The current tally leader is ‘expensive’, with only 2 points this week for
‘journey’ which I think might actually be an arrestable offence in this
country.
Aaaand we’re off to the exotic Asian destination of
Thailand. As Dajana puts it, “When Jen told us that we were going to Thailand I
went absolutely beserk, my like, legs were on the ceiling”.
Her legs, right, were on the ceiling. I customarily defer to
Lionel Richie at times like this. Thoughts, Lionel?
![]() |
Yes, it's you we're looking for. |
A quick Thai montage later, and we arrive at the Hotel Muse, where Chanique
muses “We saw massive billboards everywhere, and it was all written in Thai”,
because I have to give you an IQ frame of reference for what she says next.
The modules are greeted at the hotel with complementary
drinks, at which point Chanique says, with customary Australian questioning
intonation: “I think they said it was butterfly pee?”.
That’s right. And after five almost wasted minutes on
Wikipedia, I finally found a picture of a butterfly pee farm.
After squealing at the embroidered pillow cases, the cotton
for which was bought with the money they saved on flights on well-known Scoot
Airlines, the girls quickly fulfil their mandatory pillow-fight obligations,
followed by a quick break so that straight male viewers of the show can clean
themselves up a bit. Yes, both of them.
Morning comes, and it’s time for another Thailand montage –
Tuk-tuks, policemen, traffic, and this dog.
![]() |
Just look at this little guy with his world-weary canine ennui. LOOK AT HIM. |
Learnment
Whilst frolicking nonchalantly in the pool specifically to
make me feel bad about my body, Dajana commentates the situation with “We’re
all splashing each other, having some fun, and then this waiter just comes out
of nowhere”. NOWHERE.
![]() |
Because nowhere is a door now. |
The waiter passes the girls an envelope.
ERIKA MAIL!
I mean
JODHI MAIL!
I mean
SARAH MAIL!
I mean
JEN MAIL!
I mean really.
The girls arrive at a temple to the sound of flutes and of
Dajana saying “We got these weird unflattering white costumes and we had no
idea, I thought we were going to see some asylum or some psych ward or
something’.
No. Just Charlotte Dawson.
Which is marginally more topical than is perhaps
comfortable, but let’s move on.
Shannon’s impression is different to Dajana’s, and she says
‘We ended up at the most beautiful temple that I could ever imagine’.
I dunno, Shannon. I’m sure you can imagine some very nice
temples.
![]() |
And that's where they keep the religions. |
Dawso greets them with an excellent hairdo and a far less
excellent Thai accent, and explains what they’re doing there: “Modelling is
very much about your external beauty, but today we’re going to see how you
shine from the inside, because model bookers are always totally swayed by your
inner peace and not just by your symmetry and oddly jutting collarbones, shut
up we’re making a show here it doesn’t have to always be realistic so you guys
on the forums can just SHUT UP”.
That’s exactly what she says.
The modules enter the temple, and Jade says sagely “I
studied Buddhism at university, so to finally meet monks was something really
special for me. I was surprised they weren’t swinging from the trees eating
bananas, though. Weird.”.
That’s exactly what she says.
Everyone sits on the floor and a wise monk raps to them
about life.
![]() |
I did not know that. |
You do look a lot like her, Taylor. YOUR MUM, I MEAN.
The monk then leads the scrags in meditation, and lists the
different sorts of meditation.
Sitting meditation.
Standing meditation.
Walking meditation.
Lying meditation.
That awesome dog meditation.
And Dajana totally fell asleep meditation.
Time to exaggerate Dajana’s ethnic background with some
well-known stereotypes, you guys!
![]() |
Gettin' Woggy Wid It |
Dawso leads the modules out to the lawn to practice their
mad new meditation skillz, but Rhiannon doesn’t take it particularly seriously,
because ‘In Australia religion isn’t like, the biggest thing, like, it is here,
so at the time it was a little bit funny’. Being different is funny, you guys. You know, like making
fun of wogs and stuff. Coughetty-cough.
A few people show their annoyance with Rhiannon by giving
her a sideways glance, or ‘pigeon-eye’.*
![]() |
You. Bitch. |
Challenged.
Back at Hotel Muse, Dawso and Diddles come up with a challenge
for the scrags by looking around them, seeing a sign, and going “Oh right, ‘muse’,
nice one”.
In three teams, the modules must select someone to be their
muse, and then style that someone in a Manning Cartell frock with accessories purchased
from the local market.
So they must choose a muse, choose some shoes, and neither
snooze nor lose.
Wordplay, my friends.
Off to market we go! I hope the girls aren’t looking for any
silver or gold at these markets.
![]() |
Veeeery specific market. |
Yes, yes, I know. Take it away, adamant little guy.
![]() |
We're overseas. It was bound to happen sooner or later. |
Brooke mentions that she’s surprised, as the market is
different to what she was expecting. “There were stalls everywhere and people
everywhere”. WHAT? WHERE IS THIS MARKET? WEIRD CRAZY MARKET WORLD? GET OUT.
Ashley gets upset because her team isn’t listening to her
opinions. Lord knows I always take my high-fashion style tips from someone with
a pierced tongue, denim cut-offs, and the inability to pronounce the word ‘muse’.
It’s like Modigliani taking weight-loss tips from Rubens or, for the lowbrow
amongst you, like Miley Cyrus giving anyone advice about anything ever.
Most of the teams have clear-cut, self-appointed leaders,
giving me the opportunity to come good on my promise to reference an old-timey
TV theme in each recap, with bonus
what-Alyssa-Milano-looked-like-in-that-five-minutes-she-was-flat-chested.
And those forty years
that Judith Light was.
Arguments are had. Bartering is done. Sequinned shorts are
inexplicably bought. Abbie’s arse is given its first outing.
![]() |
If you missed it, don't worry - you'll see it again. |
![]() |
The power of Christ compels you, fulleee |
I guess it’s fine. She didn’t know that's pretty much a no-no here. She may have missed this
billboard at the airport.
Once all the shopping and muse-styling has been completed,
Dawso and Diddles welcome the modules back to the hotel to judge their elegant
and understated HOLY MOTHER OF FUCK WHAT IS THAT.
What was meant to be ‘sophisticated accents’ turns out to be
‘that brat prince guy from Temple Of Doom’.
![]() |
I just wish you and Short Round could get along. |
![]() |
Let's flip this turtle on its back, eh? |
And what was meant to be ‘sporty chic’ turns out to be ‘Sporty
Spice’.
![]() |
And doesn't she look happy about it. |
Also, someone dresses as my year 8 woodwork teacher.
![]() |
Although admiteddly Mr Murcutt had at least some circulation in his ankles. |
Abbie ruins her team’s chances at winning by giggling
through the entire thing, and Jade ruins her team’s chances by allowing herself
to be styled by her team, so the challenge winner is April. Although of course,
the real winner is everyone except Manning Cartell’s marketing team.
Phoy-toys
All of a sudden we’re in a rice paddy with Diddles, an
elephant, photographer Kane Skennar (because god forbid they’d use a
photographer that I can spell without Googling), and Diddles’ nipples. Shanali gushes ‘I could not believe we were
going to be working with an elephant’, which is ironic because almost
immediately, as if on cue, they don’t. The only real look-in the elephant gets
is when Abbie auditions it for a part in her new movie Arse-Flash Two: Elephant Harder.
![]() |
Nobody talk about the arse in the room. |
The brief for the photo shoot is ‘rich, lost traveller’, or
‘grubby hot mess’, and the clothes are one hundred percent gorgeous and
eighty-five percent held on by bulldog clips.
Maddy Banana Paddy looks frightened of being one of the most
beautiful people anybody’s ever seen, which is “understandable”.
The photographer says that Shannon isn’t aware of her body,
which will come as a shock next time she’s being fitted for any kind of
harness, and that Abbie is very aware of her body, which comes as a shock because
you’d think she’d be aware of feeling the breeze on her arse at least once.
Shanali, who is perfect and who I probably think should win,
doesn’t do anything wrong and this is the end of this sentence.
![]() |
Although a push-up wouldn't kill you, doll. |
Rhiannon walks like she’s had both a sedative and a Red Bull
and they’re fighting for supremacy in her system in the 1990s.
April is as good as any robot from France that I’ve seen.
April, if you’re reading this: o1o1o11o1o1o1oo1o1o11o. You’re welcome.
Jade wears a jacket with birds on it that I want right now give it to me right now don't even stop for coffee.
Jade wears a jacket with birds on it that I want right now give it to me right now don't even stop for coffee.
Duckie, Brooke and Taylah are delicious, poor Chanique
is stiff and emotionless until she leaves the set and has a blub, Taylor is a bit of an
ungrateful whining brat, and I can’t tell which is Ashley’s right leg and which
is Ashley’s left leg.
![]() |
Can we get an ambulance to the rice paddy stat, please. |
Eliminationosity
BOOM, and we’re sent screeching back to the Eliminatorium, where
Jen Hawkins Mrs Everything decides to deliver her autocue puns from a black and
white frock, Dawso winks hello and then has to have a lie down to recover from
the muscle strain, Shiny Alex Perry has to speak loudly to be heard over the
sound of his shirt seams creaking, and Diddles oooh-wee-ooh, he looks just like
Buddy Holly.
![]() |
Woah-oh, and you're Mary Tyler Moore |
Photographs are ummed and aaahed over, and it looks like
it’s going to be very difficult to pick a loser. What do you think, Buddy Holly?
![]() |
It all just looks like a plane crash to me. |
What about you,
Amazing Psychic Desk? What do you think?
![]() |
Well, you're no fucking help at all, Amazing Psychic Desk. |
After a bit of zingy Dawso-and-Shiny-Alex-Perry banter like
‘I hate this shot so badly I can hardly contain myself’, ‘Those eyes are
burning holes into my botoxed head’, and ‘It looks like you’ve been sitting
unsuccessfully on the toilet for about an hour’, I still want that jacket with
the birds on it, yet I still don’t have it and I can’t work out why.
Oh, and Shiny Alex Perry uses the word ‘gaping’, which again gets
him trophy of the week.
![]() |
The Gaping Trophy, for people who say 'gaping'. |
Deliberation happens, April gets photo of the week and
almost shows emotion, and it eventually comes down to Chanique and Shannon.
Shannon says ‘My heart just blew out of my body’.
![]() |
Yeah, I never wrote a song about that. |
Finally, after fifty hours and a nap, the admittedly-adorable-but-not-very-good-at-modelling
Chanique is given the ol’ PEW PEW.
![]() |
KA-WOOMSH |
Bye, Chanique! You're pretty. Any
last words?
Exactly.
*Copyright 2011, 'Doik' Simone from Series 7
Out.
ReplyDeleteStanding.
And furthermore:
1. You had me at "Thai Me Kangaroo Down, Scrag".
2. I expect it will be at least four more weeks until I stop laughing at "Bitch stole my cigarettes".
3. Could you please give me an IQ frame of reference for everyone I meet from now on?
4. BUTTERFLIES.
5. I don't care if I'm the only person to understand the Weezer reference - THANK YOU.
Hands up who thinks none of the modules would possibly get the Weezer reference? Love your work, but where is the sing along song for each episode this year?!
ReplyDeleteI thought I was the only straight male viewer of the show
ReplyDeleteregards
John
Jo's recaps are back!!!! Life is good again. :)
ReplyDeleteSheesh, ya musta stored that lot up fer a while,
ReplyDeleteCheers,
Womby's drivel.
P.S. there aren't 'two words' in the 'verification'. Pedantic shits see four numbers unrelated decipherable scribble.
Your maths is not correct. The rest, however, is awesomest!
ReplyDelete