Subtitle: What's A Scrawny Raving Freak Like You Doing In A Nice Place Like This?
Whilst waiting for My Mate Milly last night en route to an artsy magazine launch (because we're proud, proud media wankers), I grabbed a beer and a crossword and perched at a table at the Three Weeds in Paddington.
I was halfway through entering the word "tarragon" as the answer to 3-down, when a young gent, skateboard under arm, sat down and didn't introduce himself.
Sipping his water, he started quite well, saying that I looked like a strong, secure, beautiful girl – words which any young woman enjoys hearing at any time.
Unfortunately it all went a bit pear from there.
He started rambling. It all really came at me in a speedily-expressed, unpunctuated rush, but I'll try to capture the key points:
· He believes in the power of positivity. Any time I disagreed with him, I was apparently "embracing negativity".
· On the way out tonight, he gave a girl on the train a box, and promised her bananas and pineapples.
· One of his parents was in the military, and the other was in the ministry. He thinks Jesus might be okay. He's very spiritual.
· He asked me to define 'love'. I said "That's like trying to define 'funny'". He said "Love is power. Love is dolphins. Love is rainbows". I argued that he was just describing love, not defining it. He said I was embracing negativity.
· He used to drink and take drugs and be bad, but he's trying to be good now. Because his mum came to stay, so he doesn't hate her anymore.
· He thinks he'd make an excellent television star.
· He's a musician, and when he's famous, I'll see that I was wrong about him. Would I like to hear one of his songs? No. How about just some of the lyrics, then? More dolphins.
· He wasn't forthcoming with his age, but apparently I look great for mine. But I shouldn't call myself an "old bitch". That's embracing negativity, see.
· He's still in love with a girl after nine years, so he's clinging onto that dream. I should cling onto mine.
When Milly finally arrived, he got up to leave, stopping to ask a final question. "Milly," he said, "Why do the stars shine?".
"Because they're on fire", said Milly.
I would normally shoo away a raving nutter who invites themself to my table mid-crossword, but he was harmless enough, so I indulged him. Every now and again, you have to stop and smell the dolphins.
Wow - you get the classy pick-up attempts. I haven't had one in so long I can't even remember what it was. Oh hang on! I can! It was a guy dressed as a cowboy who was wearing a hubcap as a belt buckle. It was only my leopard print hipster crushed velvet flairs that attracted him, anyway. And he lost interest when he discovered I couldn't dance. He, on the other hand, did quite well despite the hubcap.
ReplyDeleteIf more people embraced negativity, maybe it wouldn't be so down in the dumps all the time.
ReplyDeleteI would embrace negativity more, except he smells like dolphins.
ReplyDeleteWhen this guy said he used to take a lot of drugs, how recently do you think that was?
ReplyDelete