Modules should be seen and not heard. Mind you, if they are going to be heard, it should all be ad-libbing, because that’s when it all falls to pieces and there’s bits of brain matter and mixed metaphors everywhere, like in Tarantino movies.
But no matter what they’re saying or doing – spokes-personing, television presenting, charity-figure-heading or filling out jeans, there is one thing that modules should always, always do. That’s right. Hang off some scaffolding in a harness.
Welcome, youse and that, to the ‘Scraggy In The Sky, With Levi’s’ episode of Australia’s Next Top Model. You’ll be crapping yourself.
• Models dream of becoming successful so that they can travel to beautiful locations, posing in couture in luxurious surrounds, dripping with jewellery, glamour, and the kind of men you can bounce coins off. Yeah. What’s up, container yard.
• Once in the container yard, all the props are totally location-relevant though. Almost.
WTF, Golf balls?
Me Talky Proper And That
This is the bit where the modules take the triumvirate concepts of the English language, logic and book learnin’, grasp them delicately by the anus and shake them inside out like last week’s doona cover. YAY, MODULES.
• When a Sarah-Mail arrives containing a quote from Brooke Shields, Joanna admits that she doesn’t (one of the most famous teen models of all time) know (who went on to make movies, including that famous nudie lagoon one) who Brooke Shields (then moved on to a successful television career) was (dated Michael Jackson, then married one of the most famous tennis players in the world). Kimberly’s pretty sure she’s got her pegged, though: “Isn’t she the lady that spread her legs on that movie? And you could see up her skirt?”. No, honey. That’s just Miley Cyrus in the future.
• Chantal laments the departure of five girls last week, and says of the Module Mansion: “It just felt like ghost town, there weren’t that many people at all”. There are eleven people in the one house. Eleven. If I had to live with ten other people, I would stab at least ten of them.
This week’s lesson takes place in the Levi’s store at Chatswood Westfield, fashion mecca and possible site of the 2014 World Cup. The scrags are met by everybody’s favourite macho-pixie Josh Flinn and everybody’s favourite of all the people called Erin McNaught, Erin McNaught, and told they’ll be shooting a viral campaign for Jeans For Genes day. Kimberly crosses her fingers and hopes for syphilis, because then she’ll have the whole set. Erin stresses the need for modules to be three-dimensional, causing Kathryn, who is so thin you could pretty much cover your schoolbooks with her, to shift her feet nervously and look at the floor.
Now, Josh is wearing studded chambray. I just had to say that out loud.
Each of the girls is asked to stand in front of the camera, finish the sentence “I love my jeans because...”, and then hit a couple of poses. Oh, and Josh is wearing studded chambray.
• Amanda loves her jeans because they’re comfy, and because they make her feel like she can take on the world. Levi’s make Hitler jeans now. Awesome.
• Kathryn loves her jeans because they’re comfy no matter where she is. Bathtub full of broken bricks and triangles? Mmmm, denim.
• Josh is wearing studded chambray.
• Chantal loves her jeans because every time she wears them, she’s guaranteed a good time. New tongue-fly jeans, from Levi’s.
• Joanna, Kathryn and Kelsey all completely rock it. Now, watching people be really, really good at describing their jeans may sound interesting, but I’m momentarily distracted by white.
• Kimberly is picked on because she’s a bogan. This is like picking on Alberto Giacometti for preferring skinny chicks or, for the lowbrow amongst you, like complaining that your KFC Double Down has too much chicken in it. She is bogan. She is Gold Coast. She is Meter Maid. She is speaking with question marks at the end of her sentences. She is Kimbo. Embrace her, as so many have done before. She even loves her jeans because they maker her “butt look grabbable”.
Erin McNaught: “Make sure you say it properly. Grabbable”.
Erin McNaught: “Yep, grabbable”.
• Ladies and mostly gay gentlemen, welcome to Sophie’s Institute Of Drama Studies And Foundation-Coloured Lipstick. Today we’re looking at emotions. Let’s look at some of Sophie’s emotions, and see if we can guess what they are.
|Sophie is happy, because her jeansss sssuit her unique ssstahl, and she can ssstrut her ssstuff.|
Sophie is concerned, because at the end of the news bulletin she’s presenting, there’s a story about a kitten stuck up a tree.
Sophie is uncomfortable, because Sophie is sitting on a thistle.
ChallengedThe challenge this week takes place at Channel V, where, under the scrutiny of Charlotte Dawson, hosts Danny Clayton and Renee Bargh test the girls’ presenting skills by asking them to read from an auto-cue and answer questions about astrophysics and advanced Chaos theory. They do their own hair, make-up and styling, which has about the same chance of success as asking a hungry lion to transfer a buttered piglet safely through traffic in its mouth.
• First of all, I’d like to take a moment to avoid discussing Danny Clayton’s hair.
Also, what the fuck, guy on the far left.
• Amanda says that she almost crapped herself. Stay with me. There’s a theme.
• When asked if she’s into collaborations, Chantal says “A little bit, yeah. Here and there, sometimes”. Sweetie, “collaboration” doesn’t mean “threesome”. At least, not always. Asked what her favourite collaboration is, she answers “Rock”. Don’t ever change, Chantal. By like, learning anything.
• Brittney doesn’t seem to know what a collaboration is, either. When asked to assess her performance, Danny says “She’s tall”.
• Joanna played a bit of guitar on the weekend, apparently. She’s in a trio with Grace Kelly and Brooke Shields.
• Charlotte compares Amanda’s mank side-plait to an over-used bungee rope. I pour a gin and put my feet up, because apparently Dawson will be taking care of all the choice burns from now on.
• Kelsey says “Woo woo” and “waa waa”. It’s impressive. I KNOW. EVEN THOUGH SHE’S SHORT. Imagine.
• Ssssophie, who appears to have plugged in her hair crimper with wet hands, causes Charlotte to comment that she “looked like she’d been electrocuted, or was auditioning for the Muppet Show”. I pour another gin and order pizza.
• Kimbo, to the derisive sneers of her peers, doesn’t do well. Not being able to read (the autocue without her glasses), she stuffs up her lines, and, when asked how she spends her leisure time, says “On the weekend, I’m usually jamming it out at my nightclub. Bit of house electro kind of stuff. Moshing pitting, whatever. Jamming out”. For the information of members and guests, the phrases “jamming out” and “moshing pitting” are getting married on the weekend. To me. Kimbo saves her increasingly dire situation the only way she knows how. She says “fuck”. The girls in the green room barely notice.
• Jessica, who actually knows what a collaboration is, wins the challenge prize, which is to do it all again with film in the camera. The thought of it, she says, “definitely makes her want to wee herself”. THEME.
• While the other girls all scoff ice cream, chocolate and muffins, Kelsey, Jessica and Megan all decide to go on a “Jiet”, meaning that they will only eat what Joanna eats from now on. Think of a centipede that has ninety-nine broken legs. The Jiet is lamer than that.
• The girls start to hate on Kimberly, because she’s the world’s most adorable misunderstood bogan. Or at least, I think she is. It’s sometimes hard to tell when she says things like “All the girls literally ganged up on me and was just bagging me out something chronic”.
A Sarah-Mail mentions something about a photo shoot, and something about heights, causing Amanda to mention crapping herself. When Josh tells the girls they’ll be hanging off a six metre tower, Amanda says “I pretty much poohed my pants”. Seriously. You’d think a theme in this show would be something to do with editorial posing or hair care, not loss of bladder and bowel control.
The girls are instructed to harness up and make denim look edgy whilst facing almost certain death on top of some scaffolding. This is only not awesome if you’re dead.
• Josh is wearing a different studded chambray shirt to before. Which means there are at least two studded chambray shirts in Sydney. I may need aspirin.
• While Amanda’s legs are busy making me cry while she’s climbing the scaffolding, photographer Harold David tells her that she doesn’t have to go to the top if she doesn’t want to. BUT WHAT ABOUT THE THEME SONG, HAROLD.
• Sssophie does pretty well in a pork pie hat, looking for all the world like she’s posing for Dolly magazine around the time I was in high school. Pretty sure they did an issue about tanning and flesh-coloured eyelashes once.
• Kathryn becomes suddenly amazing when she’s in front of the camera. Unless she turns side-on, in which case she becomes suddenly invisible.
• Megan needs a lot of direction and frustrates Harold, which is a shame because I’ve only just noticed how amazingly gorgeous she is. But that’s okay – she’ll have weeks and weeks to improve, right? RIGHT?!
• Ashton has trouble with face relaxation, and almost takes over Series 5’s Lola in the scary-face-relaxation-stakes, but not quite. Sorry, Ashton, but nobody looks like they can swallow whole ruminants quite like darling old Lola.
• Whilst climbing, Chantal shouts gleefully “I feel like a monkey!”. Josh reassures her with “You don’t look like one!”. I’m sorry, Josh, but the appropriate call-and-response line there is “And you smell like one too”.
• Kimbo alerts Harold to her readiness for the shoot by telling him “I’m from the Gold Coast, but I grew up on a sheep station, so I should be alright”. She then proceeds to chatter all the way through her shoot, including alerting everyone to the fact that she has a wedgie. Josh comments that “Kim’s worst enemy is Kim”. Except for, y’know – everybody else in the house.
• Brittney does amazingly well, even though she claims “I am petrified of heights. When I stand on a table, even, I lose balance”. Babe, you’re like, nine feet tall. Find a way to deal, pronto.
• Most of the photos are truly gorgeous. Most of the photos also make the modules look like they’re mid-fart. Coincidence?
Eventually the scrags are dragged to the Eliminarium, where they’re met by Saint Sarah, who is still a little frazzled after an intensive door-knock campaign raising money for the Buy Tony Abbott Some Board Shorts For The Love Of God Foundation. She’s a humanitarian.
She lists the prizes, which I think this year include a two-week membership to Fitness First and a Chapstick, and then introduces the judges. Bettina Liano is guest judge, and contributes a very important comment about arses and jeans, or something. Charlotte Dawson greets the girls with sparkly shoulders and a man’s voice, and Shiny Alex Perry, in black shirt and black tie, looks like a Mafioso who specialises in smuggling chrome. Chest Smith is there in a deep v-neck, but he looks like he might have a cold. I’d better massage some Vicks VaboRub into his… um… a bit… mounds… uh…
I’m desperately disappointed to report that I like most of the outfits the scrags are wearing. Like, what’s with that?
Photos are looked through, and some deliberate deliberation occurs, with the usual a la carte menu of zingers:
• Charlotte tells Sophie that she “got stuck into the crimping irons better than Bindi Irwin”. Big call.
• Shiny Alex pops a vein over Amanda’s shot, calling it “flawless”. Jez asks if it looks expensive, and Perry confirms “It looks expensive”. If “expensive” becomes this show’s “Touchdown!”, I may have to consult my doctor. I hope he does lobotomies.
• Chest Smith says of Megan’s shot “You look like you’re in the moment”. Dawson pipes up with “Oh, it looks like she’s in the moment – she’s saying ‘get me off this scaffolding’”.
• Of Kelsey, Charlotte says “Usually with the height thing, Perry would be squinting and pointing you to the door”. Perry responds with “Thing is that you are beautiful, and that’s why I don’t have so much of a problem with it. In the past we’ve had short girls, and coupled with that I just thought they were ugly”. If you are a hyper-sensitive bleeding heart or a journalist with a deadline, you may start typing your frothy-mouthed body image tirade….. NOW.
• Shiny Alex says that Kimbo is so annoying that “I actually want to stab myself, so it can be over”. In his will, Shiny Alex will be leaving his sunglasses collection to the entire population of India, with the leftovers going to landfill.
The scrags are picked off one by one, until only Megan (who sparkles in life but not on camera) and Kimbo (whose commitment and professionalism is questioned) are left. Eighteen years pass, and Megan is pushed off the cliff. Ker-splash!
Bye, Megan. Mind you don’t be all unexpectedly and suddenly gorgeous and stuff on your way out.
Next week, emotions flare as makeover week finally arrives, and I fall in love with everything on this show for total reals for ever. Searing. Shearing. Endearing.
Don’t forget to swing by the Canyon for Petstarr’s take, y’all.