(You might want to catch up by reading parts one, two and three first. Then again, you might want to rub butter on your torso and slide down a hill. Go nuts.)
Keith loves a party. Parties contain all of Keith’s favourite things: alcohol, pale women, and people so drunk they’ll listen to any old crap.
Recently, my mate Russ’s girlfriend had a birthday party, and I brought Keith along as my date. After all, he’s a bit grotty with a hole in the middle.
Have you ever noticed that all Australian parties have a handful of fundamental things in common? Keith did. Keith noticed. He’s asked me to list them below, because whenever he tries to type something himself, it always turns into a bad song about the bush or jeans or beer or something.
1. Nobody knows the way to the party in a cab.
Keith and Lorin were arguing about which was the quickest way, but the driver insisted that there was no road to Gundagai in Stanmore.
2. You spend more time in the bottle-shop than at the actual party.
Keith offered to buy vodka for my mate Butters, but the guy behind the counter had to verify his credit card. Nicole had spent all Keith's money on Boto… er, nappies.
3. The laundry or bath tub becomes the bar.
We tried to make Keith cool. We failed.
4. One of the chairs breaks.
This one obviously couldn’t bear the strain under the weight of so many hits.
5. ‘Preparing gourmet canapes’ means ‘Peeling the top off the tub of guacamole’.
Keith totally double-dipped. A couple of days later, half the people at the party came down with a horrible case of blonde streaks.
6. People smoke.
Butters discovered that using Keith as a filter means less tar, but more carefully-manicured stubble.
7. People drink.
Say when, Keith. Keith…..?
8. Somebody always drags a guitar out (and in special cases, a piano accordion).
Keith was crushed when he forgot the words to The House Of The Rising Sun.
9. Somebody always gets felt up by a dirty old perv.
There’s no Stairway To Heaven at this party, Keith.
10. Somebody always gets a pash.
No tongue, Keith. Not after it’s been in the dip.
11. Somebody always vomits.
We feel the same way, Keith. We feel the Same. Way.
Stay tuned. There’s more. I know. Me neither.